Conflicts in Your Relationships? – Have a Healthy Resolution!
On my last blog I believe I was bemoaning the fact that it was almost Christmas and it was not looking “Christmasy” enough outside because of the mild temperatures and lack of snow. I knew it would eventually come and it did, a month later and kind of short lived seems how that here we are in February and most of the snow is gone and we have rain, thunder and lightening. This winter weather has been a little crazy hasn’t it? But I will admit I rather enjoy this milder weather versus trying to survive in the usual frozen tundra.
Well, just like the weather, life and relationships can get a little crazy too can’t they? I took a break during the busy holiday season discussing relationships but now that all that is behind us and we are back on the track of “normal” everyday living I thought it was the right time to return to it especially since this month we will be celebrating “the” most important holiday for relationships which is Valentine’s Day! However, this information is good not just for romantic relationships but can help you in any type of relationships whether it be work related or familial relationships.
Hopefully, the last two blogs have been helpful to you and given you some food for thought regarding your relationships. We last talked about how important good communication was in a relationship. And today I will discuss an area where you can put that communication to good use.
I believe I can safely say that if you are in or ever have been in a relationship with someone then you have experienced conflicts. Even in the best of relationships conflicts are going to arise. There is no way to get around them. When you put two people together you can guarantee that they will not agree on everything all the time. So learning how to deal with conflicts rather than avoiding them is crucial.
Where it gets dicey is when conflict arises and it is mismanaged thereby causing great harm to the relationship. Learning how to handle it in a respectful, positive way, can provide an opportunity to strengthen the bond between those involved. I obviously can’t cover everything there is to know about resolving conflicts in one blog but below I will give you some healthy ways to respond when you find yourself in a conflict with your loved one.
HEALTHY RESPONSES TO CONFLICT
- Being able to recognize and respond to important matters
Have a discussion to understand both sides of the problem. Clarify to each other exactly what
the conflict involves. At this stage you are not only saying what you want but also listening to
what your partner wants. - The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing
A healthy relationship is built on give and take. You will only set yourself up for disappointment
if you expect to get what you want 100% of the time. You have to compromise and that is
going to take work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.
Sometimes out of hurt or anger people want to punish the other person when they don’t get
their way during a conflict. This not only does nothing to help the situation but it will in fact
make the situation far worse and cause more hurt feelings. - Having the willingness to forgive and forget
If you are unwilling or unable to forgive, resolving the conflict is impossible. If you hold onto
grudges from past hurts or resentments, you will find it extremely hard to focus on the
current situation. In regards to forgetting, unfortunately our brains do not come equipped with
a reset button. We cannot just press “erase” and “reset” to clear out all unpleasant memories.
So when I say “forgive and forget” it does not mean that you will not remember a past offense
it just means that after you forgive you choose to remember with no ill will toward the other
person. When you can’t forgive someone it is a weight that YOU carry which will affect your
life and the people around you in a negative way. - A belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties
Both partners must view their conflict as a problem to be solved by them. It isn’t about
one or the other getting the best deal for themselves but finding the best solution for them.
They each have to actively participate and make the effort and commitment to work hard
together with the goal being to find solutions that are fair and acceptable to both.
SKILLS TO UTILIZE DURING A CONFLICT
1. Manage stress while remaining calm. Being able to manage and relieve stress in the heat of the moment is key to staying balanced and focused and in control of yourself. Otherwise you will become overwhelmed and unable to respond in a healthy and constructive way. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress other than talking to someone close by is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.
By staying calm yourself, you will not only be able to be more in tune to your own feelings but will also be able to hear what the other person is saying and be able to pick up on their non-verbal communication as well.
2. Emotional awareness. If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel a certain way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or resolve disagreement. Even though it sounds simple enough not everyone is in touch with their own feelings. Many people ignore or try to stifle strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. However being connected to these feelings is essential to handling conflict.
3. Controlling your emotions and behavior. Be open, honest and remain respectful. Communicate your needs without threats, deception, manipulation, or attempts at punishing the other person. Mutual trust is a necessary core issue in a healthy, long term relationship and neither partner should do anything to weaken it.
Having a negative, distrustful attitude is harmful to this process. Approaching the conflict with a superior (hard nosed) attitude or a feeling of inferiority (being a soft touch) are also harmful approaches as well.
4. Pay attention to non-verbal communication. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you hear their words but you believe they are saying something totally different with their facial expressions or body movement?
Sometimes the most important information exchanged during conflicts are communicated non-verbally. When we can “listen” for what is felt as well as what is being “said” we can connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions as well as to other people. Listening this way often times may help you figure out what the other person is really saying.
Responding in a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested or concernedfacial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange. Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The more you are aware of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the non-verbal clues that can reveal what others are feeling.
5. Use humor. Once you have the stress and emotion under control your capacity for joy, pleasure and playfulness is set free. You can avoid many confrontations and resolve conflicts by
communicating in a humorous fashion. However, let me make this perfectly clear, I can’t stress enough how important it is that you laugh with the other person and not at them. Otherwise, you are going to set off a whole new round of fighting that you didn’t bargain for. When humor and play are used to reduce tension and anger, or put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.
I believe most people would like to resolve their conflict in a healthy way but for some for various reasons they have never learned how. And while the concept of “healthy conflict resolution” is easy to understand intellectually, it is not as easy to apply and use consistently. It can however become easier once the skills and trust are developed.
If you are experiencing trouble in your relationship and you know that one area you struggle with is resolving conflicts in a positive and healthy way, I invite you to call me at (616) 516-1570. I would love to help you to develop the skills needed so that you can have a strong, healthy and successful relationship with your loved one.
