BE KINDER TO YOURSELF
My last post was about body image and this one kind of piggybacks off of that one but is different and thought provoking enough to write a little bit more. If I were to ask you, “What does it mean to be kind to yourself?” How would you answer? Maybe you would say, “I know, I’d buy myself something expensive, or I’d go on a long trip somewhere exotic, or I’d hang a sign in my kitchen that says,“Out of order until further notice” and head to the beach with a book all by myself. Oh — the possibilities are endless aren’t they?
But, I’m wondering if anybody answered with “I would talk nicer to myself” or “I would look for the good in me and not just the bad.” Often, and probably too often, we are our own harshest critic. If we treated our friends like we treat ourselves we probably wouldn’t have any. The idea for this post started after reading about a lady who had been critical of herself after looking at a picture of her at an event. Truthfully, I couldn’t see anything wrong in the picture, but she had a long list of what was wrong as she saw it. She thought her arms were too fat, her hair wasn’t right, she hadn’t said the right things, etc., etc.
She had been at a wedding and had a wonderful time but when she looked back on the pictures she didn’t focus on how happy her friend was that she was there or even the great time she had. All she could zero in on was what she perceived to be wrong with herself.
For many of us self-criticism is just the way we talk to ourselves. Our inner dialogue goes something like this: “I can’t do anything right.” “I look horrible.” “I’m such an idiot!” “What’s wrong with me?”
We mistakenly think that such self-critical statements will somehow safeguard us against mistakes, laziness and complacency; that they will somehow keep us in line and make certain we achieve our goals. However, the opposite actually happens. It can drain our energy and confidence and paralyze progress. Self criticism triggers feelings of guilt, shame, anger, sadness, frustration, embarrassment, disappointment, and hopelessness. It has been proven to actually interfere with progress toward our goals.
Whether it’s being overly critical in how you look or because of something you did, people who criticize themselves harshly are more likely to become depressed, anxious and lonely. We all can use some constructive self-criticism from time to time. It helps us to look at what we can change that needs changing. It can look at our strengths and weaknesses. On the other hand, unconstructive self-criticism is damaging, inconsiderate, judges the person (not work or behavior) and is unbalanced.
Let’s suppose that tomorrow your best friend, child, co-worker, spouse came up to you and told you they had had a terrible day. Maybe they had made a really bad mistake at work or school. You could tell by their appearance and demeanor that something had gone wrong. What would you do?
Would you not try to console them? Maybe give them a hug and tell them it would be okay. Wouldn’t you listen to them and try to empathize? You might even try to crack a joke to make them feel better and smile. Or, would you berate them because they look disheveled and tell them they were being stupid for being anxious, depressed or making a mistake? Would you tell them they acted like an idiot? Hopefully not!
Now what if the person hurting was you? How would you react? How have you reacted in the past? Would you acknowledge your pain, and figure out how to help yourself? Would you be just as kind and empathetic? That is what self-kindness looks like. It is taking all those same actions and reactions and applying them to yourself just as you offer them to others.
Millions of us find ourselves battling a self-critic that is hard to get away from. But, the good news is that you CAN defeat that self-critic and take back your life by challenging that voice that puts you down. Below are five steps that will help you answer that voice:
1. REPLACE SELF-CRITICISM WITH SELF-CORRECTION
Instead of criticizing yourself thinking it will correct your mistake and motivate you to
do better (which it will not), look for a solution and change your behavior.
2. ACKNOWLEDGE THE POSITIVES
No one needs help seeing the negatives and even if some of the negatives are true
why not consider the positives also?
3. BE AS KIND TO YOURSELF AS YOU ARE TO OTHERS
Recognize it to be a double standard when you are so much more harsher on
yourself than you are with someone else. Just like you need your friends on your
side, you need yourself to be in your corner as well.
4. LET YOURSELF BE HUMAN
If you make a mistake, don’t think you look perfect, treat someone wrongly etc, etc.
Don’t spend hours criticizing yourself. We ALL make mistakes and have flaws and
defects. Just like we accept and love the people we know who make mistakes and
have imperfections, accept and love yourself. We all have some unlovable, stupid
and somewhat nasty qualities at times. We can recognize our shortcomings without digging a hole and climbing into it. You can rise above your self-critic and
say, “YES, I am human. Deal with it!”
5. FOCUS ON YOUR GOALS, NOT ON YOUR SELF-CRITIC
Sometimes no matter what you do, that noisy voice will still be yapping away, telling
you something negative. Give it a wave and say “Yes, I hear you, but I am going to
get on with my life doing what I have to do.” Just because the voice is there, you don’t
have to accept what it is saying. In fact, the more you focus on acting in spite of the
critic, you will find that it will become more irrelevant what that voice is saying. By
doing this you will make the most fundamental decision; to live your life fully, with
all the ups and downs, with the noise faintly disappearing in the background. Thereby
taking control.
Answering your self-critic is the best way to fight for your self-esteem. You need to have yourself on your side. You have to be willing to give yourself credit for what you do that is right and improve what is wrong. In other words – Be Kinder To Yourself!
Be patient with yourself. Changing the way you respond to your self-critical voice will not occur overnight. Thinking style is a habit and with time and practice you CAN change a habit. Although it is impossible and unrealistic to think positively 100% of the time you can strive for a more healthy balance. If you would like to make that a goal and realize you could use some help, please call me at (616) 516-1570 or contact me through the website.
