Communicate Your Way to a Better Relationship
To continue talking about healthy relationships I would like to discuss something that is so important it has been said that it can either make or break a relationship. And that would be communication.
We all start out as babies being taught how to talk. And as parents we cannot wait to hear our children say their first words. Eventually when they start stringing words together to form actual sentences, we are sure that we have birthed geniuses. Now think about this. Do you ever remember being taught how to listen? I think we all just assume that because we hear someone talking to us that we are listening.
To some point that is correct. However, I think we can all attest to the fact that just because we hear someone talking to us does not always mean that we are really listening to them. Unfortunately, some of us are way better at talking than listening. But if you really want to have good communication in your relationship you absolutely need to have both.
Because we all learn how to communicate in our own unique way it can be somewhat interesting or should I say frustrating to say the least when we find ourselves not being understood by the person we are trying to relate to.
Within a relationship you have two emotional human beings who bring their own experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people who also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. The good news is better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned and improved upon.
True communication is so much more than just exchanging information. It’s about understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. Effective communication is also a two-way street. It’s not only about how you convey a message so that it is received and understood by someone in exactly the way you intended, it’s also how you listen to gain the full meaning of what is being said and to make the other person feel heard and understood.
HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS
1. Become an engaged listener
People tend to focus only on what they want to say, but effective communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening correctly means not only understanding the words or information being given, but also understanding the emotions the speaker is trying to communicate to you. When you are truly engaged in what is being said and conveyed you will pick up on the subtle intonations in someone’s voice that will tell you how that person is feeling making them feel heard and understood, which can then help build a stronger and deeper connection.
2. Pay attention to nonverbal signals
We all have heard the adage, “Actions speak louder than words.” And do they ever, especially when we are trying to communicate about things we really care about. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you are feeling than words alone can ever do. Anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of an eye roll will heartily agree that this is true.
Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement gestures, eye contact, posture, tone of voice, breathing patterns, and even your muscle tension. Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, work through challenging situations, and build a better relationship not only with those at home but in general also.
3. Stay calm and in the present
Arguments are bound to happen. When they do you need to be aware of and in control of your emotions. If you are already stressed out about something you are more likely to misread the other person and respond in a way you might regret later on. Being calm yourself will in many cases help the other person to remain calm. If need be, take a moment to destress yourself and the situation by taking a break until you feel calm enough to go forward.
As far as staying in the present, stay on the topic at hand. Too often when we are upset we find ourselves bringing up past offenses and using them as ammunition to try and win the argument. Now would not be the time to bring up old hurts. Save that for another time when you are not in the middle of an argument thereby keeping it from escalating and growing larger.
4. Create and maintain a respectful relationship
Mutual respect is a very simple concept. It means that you treat your partner in a thoughtful and courteous way. However, sustaining respect during the course of a relationship takes effort. Because we are human, if someone begins to treat us in a negative, inconsiderate, and disrespectful way, we tend to respond in kind. When that pattern is set it will feed on itself and the disrespect will grow until most interactions are characterized by sarcasm, inconsideration, criticism, accusatory, and demeaning behavior. Sometimes the lack of respect is not always so obvious though. Ignoring your partner or responding with indifference might be more subtle but is equally corrosive to the relationship.
Each person needs to be valued for who they are and what they bring to the relationship.There will be differences in thoughts, feelings, values, and so on, that need to be accepted and respected mutually. When disagreements arise it’s okay to be angry, but you should remain respectful as well. And if you need to express a negative thought you can do it in a positive way. You can be assertive by expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way while still respecting the other person by not being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about understanding the other person, not winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others.
Developing your communication skills and abilities is a lifelong process. And nobody is a perfect communicator all the time. But, you can work to become a better communicator by trying a few of these suggestions. Even though they won’t all work, nor will they work all the time, it is better than not trying at all.
If you are looking for better communication in your relationship, consider being the one to start making the effort to improve, which hopefully will encourage the other to come along for the ride. If you to need to learn more information on how to make that happen please call me at (616) 516-1570 or use the blue contact tab on the bottom right hand side of my website and “Let’s talk!”
