LOVE AND DISCIPLINE / Helping Your Kids To Thrive!

“The most important thing parents can give their children is love. The second most important thing is discipline.” – T. Berry Brazelton, MD. (renowned doctor who pioneered the fields of pediatrics and child psychiatry).

In a world of increasing risks and demands on families, parents are under much stress these days. Even in households where both parents are present, it’s likely that they both work and spend more time out of the house. If it’s a single parent home the pressure can be even greater. So when these parents come home and want to spend quality time with their kids, when the need for discipline arises, it can create a dilemma.

Even if quality time with children is not limited many parents today struggle with creating healthy boundaries with their kids. The next time you are out in the public arena, take a look around. Whether it be the grocery store, restaurant, or local park, etc., you will probably see what I mean. For example, the parents who ask their kids to do/or stop doing something ten times with no obvious results.

I had a front row seat to this type of behavior when my children were young. Whenever I would visit with a particular family their approach to discipline was to count to three to get their child to stop unwanted behavior. In between the counts, the parent would keep repeating the instruction to stop the misbehavior and then start the count over. Meanwhile the child kept on acting up as if the parent was talking to the wind.

Over the years, when this particular parent/child scene would start to unfold I would chuckle to myself and think, “Yep, here we go again. I wonder how many sets of threes are we going to have today?” I’m not really sure what the reasoning was as to why they could not bring themselves to set a boundary and stick with it. But after a while, I have to say it was rather painful to watch.

Of course I have also witnessed as I am sure you also have been privy to, a somewhat different technique of “discipline”. And that is where the parent tries to ignore the misbehavior but eventually ends up screaming in frustration as their precious Johnny or Susie does the exact opposite of what has been requested. Both of these examples are extreme and not conducive to a favorable outcome.

Establishing age appropriate behavioral boundaries for children is not always easy, but it’s of utmost importance for parents to do. Why? Because boundaries give kids a sense of safety and security. And we know that a lack of clear boundaries often result in behavior problems. Therefore, it is essential that the healthy boundaries are laid in place while the children are still young. Granted, if the child is older and has never been given boundaries, it will be more difficult and will require more attention, BUT it is not impossible. Even though implementing boundaries with older children will initially require more effort, not setting them undoubtedly be a far more difficult path in the long run.

When talking about boundaries and kids, keep in mind that if there’s one thing you can count on it’s this — your children will push those boundaries. Don’t take it personal, or feel that you have failed. It’s just what kids do. It’s quite natural for them to “test the waters” or see how far they can spread their wings of independence. Remember, it’s a learning process.

And now, a word about that learning process. I guess this would be the appropriate time to bring up a gentle reminder. Children are the original “quicker picker uppers” not Bounty brand paper towels. They absorb everything around them. And because of their sponge-like capacity, they will “pick up” and mirror both good and bad behaviors.

So, if one of your favorite lines to use on your children is, “Do as I say, not as I do” I’m here to tell ya,“it ain’t gonna work!” (pardon the grammar). Modeling the behavior you want is going to matter way more than just saying what you want your child to do. With this being said, admittedly, as with other various life principles, knowing what you should do sometimes, (if not usually), can be easier than actually doing what you should do.

It’s impossible to condense everything there is to know about discipline into one short blog but below are three basic areas to focus on: Giving them the positive attention they need and crave, taking time for training (instruction) with dedication and by example, along with setting boundaries and being consistent in sticking to them.

ATTENTION
Kids need attention. And if you don’t supply them with positive attention they will find endless ways of getting even negative attention. To them, even negative attention is better than no attention at all. Taking a few minutes, giving them your undivided attention and doing something they want to do will go a long ways to encourage good behavior. This is especially important during transition times such as when parents come home from work, or when kids come home from school or being at the sitters all day. Sometimes kids can find these times difficult to transition making them susceptible to being moody/naughty toward their parents or siblings.

TRAINING
The word discipline itself is rooted in meanings of learning and teaching. Shaping children’s behavior goes far beyond what you do only when they have misbehaved. Discipline is something you do all the time. It’s in the way that you talk with your children and the examples you set for them every day. As well as applying appropriate consequences that encourage your child to make better choices in the future. The goal is not only to encourage good behavior but also to promote an increasingly independent, responsible, and self-reliant child with strong character and solid values toward adulthood.

SETTING BOUNDARIES AND STICKING WITH THEM

• Let your children know that you love them unconditionally.
• Calmly and clearly convey the ground rules for their behavior in the home (obeying parents, treating others with respect, doing chores and homework, etc.)
• Give them the freedom to choose or not to choose to obey (except in common-sense urgent situations, like a small child running out into the street).
• Make sure they know in advance about the consequences if they choose to break the rules.
• Resist the urge to nag. It’s tempting to remind kids over and over. However, nagging without a consequence trains them to ignore you until you give up or blow up in frustration or anger.
• Do not give empty threats that you know you cannot carry out.
• Most importantly, be consistent. Follow through every time with the agreed-upon consequence when your kids push the rules.

Remember, discipline is rooted in helping kids to learn how to make the right choice, not punishment. I believe most parents want to be the best parent they can be but sometimes it can be quite challenging. It’s a learning process for parents as well as the kids. Knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are as a parent can help you identify the skills you need to raise healthy, mature and responsible children. So, with that being said, if you have areas where you need to grow as a parent but feel stymied going forward, please call me at (616) 516-1570 or click on the “contact” tab to schedule an appointment. I look forward to your call!