The Pursuit of Happiness – might include some pain

The pursuit of happiness — As Americans we all have the right to pursue happiness. It even says so in the Declaration of Independence right? However, I’m thinking what the founding fathers were talking about then is quite a bit different from what the average American today considers happiness to be.

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines happiness as “a state of being happy” or “an experience that makes you happy.” That seemed a little too simplistic so I looked the word up in other dictionaries and they all pretty much said the same thing. I kept digging until I could find
something a little meatier and I finally found a definition that seemed to describe happiness in a more detailed fashion. It said that Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

I thought that summed it up pretty good. Another definition I found said, Happiness is that feeling that comes over you when you know life is good and you can’t help but smile. It’s the opposite of sadness.

That definition reminded me of my dad many years ago. We were vacationing at a cottage on a lake with other family members and it was a beautiful morning with the sun shining down on the lake making it look like glass. My dad sat down in a chair, leaned back with a cup of coffee in one hand and a donut in the other. He had a huge grin on his face and after letting out a happy sigh he stated, “Life is good!”

In that exact moment all the circumstances had come together and he was experiencing a state of being happy. That didn’t mean that everything in his life was perfect or that he didn’t have any problems. It just meant that the simple experience that he was enjoying at that moment translated into a period of happiness.

You notice that I said a (period) of happiness. Obviously that donut and coffee wasn’t going to last forever and eventually at the end of the week he had to go home. And, anyone who has gone on vacation knows that when it is over and you walk back into your home, life has been waiting for you to pick it back up where you left it the week before. And, as we all know, life is a mixed bag of ups and downs. It is unrealistic to think that we can stay in a state of happiness all the time even though we might think we should be able to.

Let’s take my dad’s experience for example. Most of us can envision sitting at a beautiful lake in the morning with that donut in hand feeling happy as a clam. But what if he had to repeat that experience every morning. How long do you think it would take before the novelty of the experience would start to wear off and he starts complaining, “Is this all we have to eat, a donut?” Think about your experiences in life that made you over the top happy. Maybe it was a new car, you got a raise, or you moved into a new house. Can you see where I am going with this?

Eventually that new car is going to break down, your raise isn’t going to quite meet your needs that you thought it would and that new house? Well, you didn’t know that the next door neighbors had three dogs that barked all day long and their teenagers loved to play their hard rock music loud enough to rattle your windows.

So let’s go back to one of the definitions of happiness — the one that states, “Happiness is an experience that makes you happy.” Even though we might think we would like to be happy all the time it is not realistic to think we could. Pleasure alone cannot make us happy. Although the idea of endless pleasure seems idyllic, the reality is often very different. Experiencing something painful provides a contrast for pleasure. Nobody asks for pain or goes looking for it but studies have shown that experiencing relief from pain not only increases our feelings of happiness but also reduces our feelings of sadness. Pain may not be a pleasurable experience itself, but it builds our pleasure in ways that pleasure alone simply cannot achieve.

Let me give you an example. I was ecstatic when my husband proposed to me and gave me a diamond engagement ring. I would show it to everyone and constantly look at it in different lights so I could marvel at the different colors that would shine out of it. But over the years I stopped doing that and eventually it just became a normal part of life — not even feeling it on my finger.

Then one day I looked down and noticed the diamond was missing. I was devastated. We looked all over for it, even tracing our steps in a mall we had been at. Even though we could have bought another diamond to replace it, for sentimental reasons I wanted THAT diamond. I was heartbroken that we couldn’t find it. I don’t remember now how long I went without the diamond but I DO remember the night sitting on the couch with my husband and talking when all of a sudden he exclaimed “Look” and he reached down and picked up something (from shag carpet I might add) and held it out to me. It was my missing diamond!

As you can imagine I obviously was over the top happy. In some ways I think I was even happier than when he gave it to me the first time all because of the pain I felt when I thought it was gone forever. In this instance pain had actually enhanced the pleasure and happiness I was feeling.

Happiness is perhaps the greatest desire of all human beings. Ask any person what he wants in life and they would probably say that they just want to be happy. But even if we could have everything we ever wanted, we would still be subject to life’s highs and lows. If we don’t learn to enjoy the little things in life, our well-being will parallel our life’s circumstances. Every time something goes wrong, we will feel deeply unhappy, (as opposed to disappointed, but determined to make the best of things).

A skill that we all need to work on for consistent, long-term happiness is to think about the things that fill us with the most joy and focus on those things and let them brighten our day. That way, no matter what changes, we all will have a variety of simple pleasures to draw on to get us through the bad times.

If you are struggling with the ups and downs of life and would like someone to help you put things into perspective, please call me at (616) 516-1570 or click on the blue contact link and make an appointment. I look forward to meeting with you.